Cancer is no joke... and chemo may be worse than cancer.
I finished the AC part of chemo... 4 rounds of the "red devil"... and this is what it has left me with...
First... my memories....
I'm losing my memory and with it, my sanity, sense of self, and all shreds of happiness. I can't remember what things are called, what my zip code is, what day it is... I forget what happened a few days ago, and I never know if something that happened... was it yesterday? or the day before? or was it last week?
I forgot how to get in the front door of my own home and pounded on the door in a fit of panic.
My emotions...
I cry every day. I yell. I scream. I shake and tremble. I feel everything I was and the person I was slipping away, bit by bit. (don't worry, I'm okay, just being very raw and honest here)
The nightmares...
I've been waking up from very vivid, horrifying nightmares. Regularly. So much that I have refused to go to sleep until about 2am the last two nights, only giving myself about 5 hours maximum in hopes I won't have the nightmares. For the last two nights, it has worked. Before then, it was horrifying... I woke up hyperventilating multiple times... one night, I awoke to the blackness of night and a heavy feeling in my chest, like someone was holding me down... another night, I awoke from a dream of being trapped in a car driven by Chris, as we went into a lake and began to drown, trapped... most dreams I don't remember, I just wake up screaming or crying or breathing like I was running and I'm always terrified.
Another night, I was being chased in the dark and I couldn't scream, I couldn't speak, I could only whisper... but I needed help, I needed to scream...
The pain
My back erupts into really painful spasms from the base of my neck all the way to my tailbone. It takes my breath away. It comes in waves, like shocks. It has happened around days 9-11 after each AC chemo. I told my oncologist about it and she was baffled. It has literally left me screaming in pain. I can't drive, can't sit comfortably, it's just pain.
Then the rib pain... they call it bone pain, caused by the growth factor medication. It's excruciating as well, like someone has kicked me in the ribs over and over, on both sides.
The worst part...
The worst part of everything is missing my children... missing them even though they are within arm's reach.
I don't know if my boys are being bathed or taught or loved and I'm right downstairs from them... there is a nanny raising my kids and I don't even know what they are eating at this point... or when they eat, or if they eat... I don't know if William has done well in his learning on any given day, I don't know if James had any accidents... I know nothing..
I can't be around my own children because of germs! I can't tuck them in or kiss them goodnight, I can't give them baths, I can't hold them when they cry or rub them when they are sick..
If there are layers to hell... various levels of hell... this is one of them. Seeing your children within arms reach and not being able to touch them... I crave holding them and kissing them and touching them.. they are my purpose in life, my heart and soul.
The decision
I cannot continue in this manner. On Thursday, I go in to begin the next round of chemo - Taxol - along with the targeted hormone suppressor therapy medications - Herceptin and Perjeta.
On that day, I will sit down with my oncologist and refuse the next round of chemo.
I cannot live like this anymore, literally. I don't know what day it is or what's happening around me or what's going on with my kids, I have no control, no say so. I can't sleep. I can't rest. I can't do anything energetic without full exhaustion. I'm literally losing my memory and my mind. I want to go back to work.
I pretend to be strong. I put on a great face. I tell a lot of lies. The truth is, I've reached the end of what I can handle emotionally.
I have followed everything up to now. I did the mastectomy. I did 2 months of Adriamycin and Cytoxin, which made my hair fall out and my memories blur and my whole world come crashing inward...
The targeted therapies... Herceptin and Perjeta... they have side effects... but nothing as severe as the chemo. I'll be on them for the next year. Those medications should suppress any "missed" cancer cells without the need for further chemo.
The afterward...
There is a thing that happens to cancer patients after their treatments are done... they are assumed to be completely okay. Healed. Fine.
The truth is, chemo damages every part of your body, right down to your eyes... your vision blurs, your memory is damaged, your ability to think is damaged... you have permanent numbness in your fingers and toes (neuropathy)... chemo is FOREVER.
A cancer patient will NEVER be the same after chemotherapy. Never.
Never.
I finished the AC part of chemo... 4 rounds of the "red devil"... and this is what it has left me with...
First... my memories....
I'm losing my memory and with it, my sanity, sense of self, and all shreds of happiness. I can't remember what things are called, what my zip code is, what day it is... I forget what happened a few days ago, and I never know if something that happened... was it yesterday? or the day before? or was it last week?
I forgot how to get in the front door of my own home and pounded on the door in a fit of panic.
My emotions...
I cry every day. I yell. I scream. I shake and tremble. I feel everything I was and the person I was slipping away, bit by bit. (don't worry, I'm okay, just being very raw and honest here)
The nightmares...
I've been waking up from very vivid, horrifying nightmares. Regularly. So much that I have refused to go to sleep until about 2am the last two nights, only giving myself about 5 hours maximum in hopes I won't have the nightmares. For the last two nights, it has worked. Before then, it was horrifying... I woke up hyperventilating multiple times... one night, I awoke to the blackness of night and a heavy feeling in my chest, like someone was holding me down... another night, I awoke from a dream of being trapped in a car driven by Chris, as we went into a lake and began to drown, trapped... most dreams I don't remember, I just wake up screaming or crying or breathing like I was running and I'm always terrified.
Another night, I was being chased in the dark and I couldn't scream, I couldn't speak, I could only whisper... but I needed help, I needed to scream...
The pain
My back erupts into really painful spasms from the base of my neck all the way to my tailbone. It takes my breath away. It comes in waves, like shocks. It has happened around days 9-11 after each AC chemo. I told my oncologist about it and she was baffled. It has literally left me screaming in pain. I can't drive, can't sit comfortably, it's just pain.
Then the rib pain... they call it bone pain, caused by the growth factor medication. It's excruciating as well, like someone has kicked me in the ribs over and over, on both sides.
The worst part...
The worst part of everything is missing my children... missing them even though they are within arm's reach.
I don't know if my boys are being bathed or taught or loved and I'm right downstairs from them... there is a nanny raising my kids and I don't even know what they are eating at this point... or when they eat, or if they eat... I don't know if William has done well in his learning on any given day, I don't know if James had any accidents... I know nothing..
I can't be around my own children because of germs! I can't tuck them in or kiss them goodnight, I can't give them baths, I can't hold them when they cry or rub them when they are sick..
If there are layers to hell... various levels of hell... this is one of them. Seeing your children within arms reach and not being able to touch them... I crave holding them and kissing them and touching them.. they are my purpose in life, my heart and soul.
The decision
I cannot continue in this manner. On Thursday, I go in to begin the next round of chemo - Taxol - along with the targeted hormone suppressor therapy medications - Herceptin and Perjeta.
On that day, I will sit down with my oncologist and refuse the next round of chemo.
I cannot live like this anymore, literally. I don't know what day it is or what's happening around me or what's going on with my kids, I have no control, no say so. I can't sleep. I can't rest. I can't do anything energetic without full exhaustion. I'm literally losing my memory and my mind. I want to go back to work.
I pretend to be strong. I put on a great face. I tell a lot of lies. The truth is, I've reached the end of what I can handle emotionally.
I have followed everything up to now. I did the mastectomy. I did 2 months of Adriamycin and Cytoxin, which made my hair fall out and my memories blur and my whole world come crashing inward...
The targeted therapies... Herceptin and Perjeta... they have side effects... but nothing as severe as the chemo. I'll be on them for the next year. Those medications should suppress any "missed" cancer cells without the need for further chemo.
The afterward...
There is a thing that happens to cancer patients after their treatments are done... they are assumed to be completely okay. Healed. Fine.
The truth is, chemo damages every part of your body, right down to your eyes... your vision blurs, your memory is damaged, your ability to think is damaged... you have permanent numbness in your fingers and toes (neuropathy)... chemo is FOREVER.
A cancer patient will NEVER be the same after chemotherapy. Never.
Never.